I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
