Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Randomize
