It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Randomize
