i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
