then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
