hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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