I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
