you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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