I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
