I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
