So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
