I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
