how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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