I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
