Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
