my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
