i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
