My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
