i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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