so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Your dad touched me again.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
