This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
