Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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