Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette