Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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