Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
She's the barista slut.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Randomize
