I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
They have beer where we have blood.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Randomize
