someone get that fucking seahorse.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Randomize
