Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
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I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
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High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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