At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Randomize
