they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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