I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Randomize
