i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
