In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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