Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
