are you so shy because you have an std?
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
