I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
