I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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