I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
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