sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
