shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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