It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
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