You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
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Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
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He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.