I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
