4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
