Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
