come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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