Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
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I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
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i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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