Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I've blown a few things in my day
No I am not eating basil off your cock
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
