dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
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He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
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Testing the emergency boobs hotline
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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