My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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