Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Randomize
