so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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