Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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