She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
