I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
