1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
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