I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
