when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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