Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
