Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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