Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
